so ive lost a bit.. but not what i thought i would. i went to a wedding with my bf this past weekend. i ate everything. the meal was a HUGE turkey dinner. i already had planned that i was only going to eat the veggies.. but i kept going,. i couldnt stop myself. then he said to me.. "i can't believe you just ate all that". .. and those words were enough to make me vomit all over the table. thank goodness the bathroom wasnt far. it was right next to the bar.. after i purged and felt amazing .. i got drunk. and felt even better. when i got back from the bathroom he was busy taking pics so i knew i wasnt gonna be questioned. an hour later he leaned over and whispered,"did u just toss ur cookies?"/.. i think i turnned bright red. then i got really pissed off that he would even ask me that.. right there. i just said no and turned to listen to the music on the dance floor and watch the wedding party dance. there were some beautiful girls dancing.. i wish i had that kind of body where i just wouldnt care who was watching cuz i knew i was beautiful. im hoping to get there soon.
on the 4 hr drive home the next day.. he brought it up again. i totally didnt want to talk about it. he just explained that he knew i had a problem with this in the past and that he wanted to make sure that i knew he thought i was beautiful.
i KNOW he thinks i am a little over weight tho cuz i have this good friend that had a baby the same day as me and i was showing my bf some pics of her ( she is beautiful and thin ).. and he said, " thats her AFTER the baby?" he was shocked at how fit she looked. i felt like SHIT when he said that.,., i didnt show it or say anything but it really showed me what he actually thought about my weight.
a few days after the wedding.. my bf's sister tagged me in a few pics from the wedding. i looked like a hippo... there's one where i'm sitting on his knee and my arm looks so huge. ugh i feel sick just thinking about. today ive ate a small bowl of cereal. thats all im having today and a glass of milk later. oh and im going for coffee at in a few hours with my friend.

i feel like i fail everyday. i am all pumped to not eat anything.. then i eat something small and then i cant stop misled and feel like shit. then i HAVE to go purge.. and after that i know inside that purging is the only control i have over food. somedays i can go without eating but other days i cant control it.

ive already had to have 3 teeth repaired cuz of this... i really want to stop purging but i have to when i loose control.
anyways i just felt like sharing to whoever is listening...
-kc

eyes/head/hands/feet

today i just feel swollen..
i've lost 3 lbs.. this is going slower than i thought.
im a very impatient person so really.. it's either all or nothing.
but its not that easy i guess. i just had a piece of toast with just enough peanut butter to cover half the slice.
i feel disgusting. why did i just eat that? im just slowing the process down. i feel like i f'n mess up every day. i know i need some food but i prob didn't need that whole slice at all.
how am i ever gonna lose the weight if im f'n up all the time.
im gonna go for a nice long walk with my son..today it's so beautiful out!
sometimes when i look at my child.. i envy him.. he doesn't care that he's not stick thin. i wish i could not care..

so i've started fasting today..
i've decided to keep an updated status on my weight loss.
i was doing great with my self control about a year ago.. and then i found out i was pregnant. i now have a healthy child and i'm done breastfeeding!! so now i can get back to taking extreme measures so i can drop the weight FAST. im 140lbs now.. i have a wedding to go to in a couple weeks. i really need to drop as much weight as possible. i was at my best a few months before i got pregnant.. i was 120. im 5'7.. and 120 i felt good but i really want to be 115. it would just make that much of a difference!! im just so excited that im starting today! i'm lookin fwd to just start dropping the lbs and not gaining any! it's such a liberating feeling!.. on here i know i'll feel like im held accountable and it will just give me that one more reason to not cave in for a bite of anything!!
any words of encouragment would be appreciated!!

-ixoye